Qantas airlines

[(V)OPAR[CotC]]

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
Are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
Maintenance engineers.

(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Can not reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...............
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Death_Dealer[CotC]]

[Executioner [CotC]]

that is the single greatest thing i have ever seen

[D.A.R.K.[CotC]]

ROFL

[Buzzed]

I have seen that one before, and I still get a kick out of it1

[Neophyte]

These seem unbelievable, but we have had similar records in our maintenance logs for aircraft in the Air Force too. (Recalling from when I used to work for them.) Mostly, these records are documents of work kept with the aircraft and not an official "share it with the world" kind of document. So language can be found a little loose from time to time in them.

[Ender[CotC]]

brilliant.