Campquake Senate

Bastard came in the garage, stole an old Bear Whitetail Bow with some arrows, a 12 pack of Fosters, my son's snorkel and mask, and a bike seat.

Are claymores available??????

I'm with him on the Forster's and the Bow... But a snorkel, a mask and a bike seat?!!? That's just weird! I'll bet that's all he could grab for now and probably saw something else that he liked, and will be back later for it.

Claymore sounds good! But the smell from all the jerky in the trees would suck for a few months. Try a flame thrower instead! It will smell like BBQ up until they cart his butt away.

I don't know whether to say 'wtf?' or 'Wow, close call.'

It almost sounds like you had a wiccan cat burglar

Sounds to me like you have 15 year old white male in the neighborhood
who is sleeping off a hangover even as we speak. Lock your garage,
install security cams, and be patient. I could almost guarantee that
he will be back for more spoils

Your big issue is that he probably has someone who will miss him and when the police go through his crap, they will find yours and come to you. Having his body neatly wrapped in plastic might be a bad idea at that time. Just plan carefully.